What Remains Page 16

  “Shh.” Rupert touched Jodi’s face briefly, like a whisper. “You’re exhausted. Go back to sleep. We’ll talk later.”

  Jodi was powerless to protest. His mind was alive with a million questions, but his body was weak, and he could barely summon the energy to close his eyes.

  But he did close them, and the next time he woke, he was alone, and the spot where Rupert had been lying was cold.

  He shivered and sat up slowly, testing his equilibrium for the dizziness that sometimes plagued him first thing in the morning. Not that he knew whether it was morning. With the blinds closed and the bedside lamp on, he had no idea what time it was. Or where Rupert was.

  Anxiety lanced Jodi’s heart. In recent weeks, he’d grown used to the comfort of Rupert’s presence, and his absence now was terrifying. What if it had all been a dream? What if he’d imagined the resolution to the turmoil he still felt deep in his belly? What if it never went away? What if, what if, what if.

  Fuck this shit.

  Jodi stood just as the bedroom door opened. Indie danced in and scampered onto the bed.

  “Mum and Daddy are arguing outside because Daddy made her come back for me. Can we watch your old Bucky O’Hare videos?”

  Okay. So the part about Rupert’s bitch of an ex and his mesmerising daughter showing up on the doorstep definitely wasn’t a dream. Jodi blew out a breath and sat down again. “I don’t know where they are.”

  Indie hopped off the bed and opened a drawer. “You keep them in here, silly, with your South Park DVDs, but you don’t let me watch them. Daddy says they’re rude.”

  “Yeah? He’s probably right.”

  “Probably. You always say he is.” Indie retrieved a battered VHS case and jammed it in the dusty machine Jodi had assumed was broken. “Where’s the video remote?”

  “Um . . .” Jodi glanced around. He hadn’t used the TV at the end of the bed since he came home from hospital. “Are you sure you’ve got time? Isn’t your mum here to pick you up?”

  “That’s what they’re arguing about. She wants me to stay until Saturday. Dad says he has to work, but that doesn’t matter, does it? You can babysit me.”

  “Haven’t you got school?”

  “It’s half-term.”

  Jodi had no answer to that. He stayed put on the bed, not trusting himself to get up and walk around just yet. Indie crawled in front of him, brandishing a battered remote control and a sparkly pink hairbrush.

  “Found it,” she said. “Can you put my hair in bunches? I want to look like Bucky.”

  Lacking any better ideas, Jodi took the brush while Indie pressed Play and the dormant TV flashed to life, filling the screen with images of a fluorescent-green space rabbit cartoon he remembered from the late eighties. He couldn’t remember anything important, but this? Yep, this, he remembered. Bucky O’Hare and the Toad Wars. For fuck’s sake.

  Indie stood patiently while Jodi gingerly ran the brush through her long hair. “You want bunches?”

  “Yup. High ones, so they’re like Bucky’s ears.”

  “You don’t want to look like Jenny?”

  “Ew. No. I don’t like cats.”

  “Seriously? I thought everyone liked cats?”

  “Not cartoon ones. I like real ones, like Knob Cat.”

  “Knob Cat?”

  “I brought one home once,” Rupert said from the doorway. “Rescued it from a tree. You called it Knob Cat.”

  Jodi winced. Knob Cat? Seriously? The old Jodi sounded like a bit of a dick. “Bet you didn’t like that.”

  “You’re quite right. We changed it to Bob Cat until her mummy came to get her. Speaking of which, Indie, go and say good-bye to your mum. She’s waiting.”

  Indie bounced on her heels. “I’m staying?”

  “Until Thursday.”

  “Yes!” Indie spun around and planted a lightning-fast kiss on Jodi’s cheek. “We can go ice skating.”

  She darted out of the room. Jodi watched her go, bemused. “Knob Cat?”

  Rupert treated him to a tired grin. “It took you a while to get used to having a kid around who repeated everything you said to everyone she met. You didn’t mean any harm, and it was pretty funny until she said it at nursery and Jen went ballistic.”

  “Jen’s your ex?”

  “Ex-wife, yeah. We don’t get on much, but we tolerate each other for Indie’s sake.”

  “She seemed like a bitch.”

  “She is.” Rupert’s eyes flashed with an emotion that made Jodi lean forward, his hands half-outstretched, but Indie returned before he could pull Rupert to him and examine his face until he understood the pain Rupert tried so hard to hide.

  Indie returned to her position between Jodi’s legs. “I’m back.”

  “So I see,” Jodi said. “Bunches. Right. Have you got bands?”

  Indie held up her hand, which was filled with brightly coloured hairbands. “Lots.”

  “Okaaaay.” Jodi studied her hair. He’d had an ill-advised man bun for a few months at uni, way before they’d become ubiquitous with twats, but it had been a while since he’d last attempted to manipulate long hair. He looked at Rupert. “Have I done this before?”

  “Aye, you’re much better at it than I am. I’m not allowed to touch her hair if you’re here.”

  Fair enough. Jodi set about wrestling Indie’s hair into two high ponytails.

  “Fold them,” Indie instructed. “So they’re like ears.”

  Jodi obeyed and the result wasn’t half bad. Rupert seemed impressed. “Amazing what you can do when you don’t think too hard, eh?”

  “Hmm?”

  “You couldn’t move your hands like that a month ago. You’re fucking amazing, boyo.”

  “Daddy!”

  “Sorry, kiddo.” Rupert winced. “I’ve made you some lunch. Why don’t you go eat it in the living room while I have a chat with Jodi?”

  “I want to watch Bucky.”

  “Later. Jodi’s tired.”

  Jodi hadn’t long woken up, but he couldn’t deny his brief encounter with Indie had left him craving a nap. He gently tugged one of Indie’s looped bunches. “Go on, love. We can watch it in a bit.”

  Indie left reluctantly, glancing over her shoulder as she went, like she was afraid Jodi would disappear the moment she turned away. Rupert watched her go with an odd expression on his face, then turned back to Jodi. “She’s going to be here for a few days, that okay with you?”

  “Of course,” Jodi said. “You don’t have to ask me that. This is your home too. I can’t believe you’ve been having her at Sophie’s place all this time.”

  “It was the best thing for everyone,” Rupert said. “You wouldn’t have wanted her to see you while you were so ill, and later . . . I don’t know. Perhaps I should’ve told her the truth, but it was just something else I couldn’t face. After a while, staying at Sophie’s became normal for her.”

  “Like sleeping on the couch? Does that feel normal for you now?”

  Rupert shrugged. “Not much feels like anything, boyo. It just is.”

  A cloud of overwhelming sadness descended on Jodi, like the sudden darkness that came before a rainstorm. And with it came the certainty that he wasn’t the only one whose life had been stolen by the accident. Jodi didn’t remember the life he’d lost, but Rupert did. He remembered everything, and the loss in his haunted gaze hurt Jodi more than any physical pain ever had.

  “I’m so fucking sorry.”

  Rupert shook his head. “Don’t do it to yourself. Trust me, it won’t help. We can’t look back and fix what isn’t there anymore. I’m going to take Indie to the park. Will you be okay by yourself for a bit?”

  “Um, yeah. Are you—?”

  “Jodi.” Rupert held up his hands. “Please. Just don’t, okay?”

  He left the room. A few moments later, the front door slammed. The sound reverberated in Jodi’s head, like his skull was empty now that Rupert had gone. Like Rupert had taken everything that mattered with him. Then
the silence took hold and it was deafening. Jodi pressed his fists into his eyes, willing his brain to just fucking remember, but nothing happened. The silence remained.

  Jodi let his hands drop with a heavy sigh. The room came slowly back into focus, along with the clothes he’d been wearing since yesterday morning. Rupert had stopped reminding him to shower, trusting Jodi to follow the lists he’d written with his occupational therapist, but it didn’t take much for Jodi to forget until something—like a grimy T-shirt—prompted him.

  He made his way to the bathroom and took a shower, standing under the spray until the water ran cold. It wasn’t his wisest move. Since the accident, the cold had bothered him. Some days, he just couldn’t get warm.

  He walked out of the bathroom, distracted as ever by the riddles in his brain. Then he caught sight of the clutter piled up in the hallway and something clicked. In the bedroom, he threw on a T-shirt and a pair of trackies, then went back to the hallway. He picked up a pile of coats and hung them on the nearby hooks. They didn’t look right, so he took them down and hung them again, this time in size order. With that done, he moved quickly around the hallway, scooping up dirty clothes and stray shoes. He chucked the shoes in the cupboard and shut the door. Opened it again and put them neatly on the rack.

  Then he stood back, and the calm order of his surroundings filtered into him. He’d grown used to the clicks his brain sometimes sounded when a piece of information he’d given up for lost suddenly reappeared. They usually came one at a time, and sporadically, but now, as he stared around the tidy hallway, his senses came alive. Purpose, perspective, compulsion. Everything seemed brighter, clearer, and though the gaps in his mind were still too vast for him to comprehend, a new sense of purpose overcame him.

  Jodi paced the flat, picking up dirty dishes and clothes, newspapers, post, and shoes—more shoes?—until he saw carpets or floorboards in every room. He loaded the dishwasher and studied the buttons. Gave up and googled the fucker. With the dishwasher running, he tackled the washing machine, which proved far simpler as he could remember using one before.

  That left the bathroom and a wrangle with the vacuum cleaner. Jodi fetched the hoover from the bedroom cupboard. He plugged it in and switched it on. So far so good, then he pulled it along the wooden floor and the wheels stuck, and the resulting crunch in his brain was so loud he jumped.

  He stepped back from the hoover and pressed his hands over his ears. Images filled his brain—a mad rush to do something . . . something he couldn’t quite see, and then the hoover—this hoover—running over his foot. Talking into the phone—“Henry tried to kill me this morning. Ran over my foot, bloody dick-splash…”—but who to? “Be safe, Rupe. I love you.” Jesus. It wasn’t a conversation, it was a message, and he’d left it for Rupert.

  Oh God. Revelations had been battering him all day, but somehow, this one hit the hardest, like a train—no, fuck, like a speeding car. Jodi sank to the floor as another chunk of reality slotted into place with a thud that shook his insides. He’d left the message right before the accident, he was sure of it, and the sickening crunch in his brain hadn’t been an epiphany at all, it was a memory, a real one, and Jesus Christ, it hurt.

  Jodi sat on the floor for a long time. His mind-bending headache faded, and no more memories came to him, but the sensation that something had yet again changed remained. He gazed around the half-tidy flat. Over recent months, he’d come to accept it was his home, that it had been way before the accident, but until this moment, it had never felt familiar, safe, or warm, especially when he was home alone . . . alone without Rupert.

  He was warm now, even without the hoodie he usually wore indoors. His newfound energy had returned. He stood and considered the hoover. The brush attachment was fucked and the hose bound together with duct tape. Damn thing looked like a prop from a sci-fi film. Henry. The name was emblazoned on the side of the battered machine. Jodi wondered why they hadn’t bought a new one. Perhaps he’d ask when Rupert came back.

  If Rupert comes back. Jodi pictured the bewildered frustration in Rupert’s gaze before he’d fled the flat. Despite Jodi’s almost constant state of introspection, and the lingering disquiet from discovering Rupert had kept something so huge from him, Jodi felt Rupert’s distress like it was his own. Rupert had lost as much as Jodi—perhaps more.

  I wouldn’t blame him if he ran for the fucking hills.

  Though common sense told him Rupert could’ve abandoned him long ago if he’d really wanted to, the thought of Rupert doing just that was too much to bear. Jodi plugged the hoover in and switched it on. A whistling shriek filled the room, along with the scent of a damp dog, and Jodi wrinkled his nose. It smelt like the bag hadn’t been changed for months . . . It probably hadn’t.

  He searched the cupboard for spare bags. Found them and replaced the old one. The hoover still stank, but it was likely as good as it was going to get. He set to work hoovering every available surface in the flat.

  He’d just finished the skirting boards in the bedroom when the front door opened and Indie’s bell-like voice filtered through the flat. But she didn’t come looking for Jodi, and disappointment swept over him, an emotion that puzzled him as he unplugged the hoover, retracted the chord, and stowed it away in the cupboard. By all accounts, he hadn’t seen Indie since a week before the accident, and, of course, he didn’t remember that meeting—or her—so why did he crave her company so much now, twenty-four hours after her mother had forced a pretty fucking awkward reunion?

  “What happened in here?”

  Jodi jumped, though he didn’t know why. Rupert always checked on him when he came home, no matter how twat-ish Jodi had been to him before he left. Except, Jodi hadn’t been a dick this time, had he? Jodi had no—

  “Seriously. What the hell happened?”

  “I cleaned up a bit.”

  “A bit? Looks like an army of maids had a party in here.”

  Jodi shut the cupboard door with more care than necessary, unable to tell if Rupert’s tone carried any humour. Had he done the wrong thing by cleaning up? Did Rupert like it messy? Or was it simply that, covered in sweat and dust, his eye half-closed from the persistent ache in his brain, Jodi was an even less attractive prospect than he’d been before Rupert went out? Gone are the old days, eh? “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry, boyo. I’m just surprised. It’s been a while since you pulled your Dot Cotton routine.”

  “Dot bloody Cotton?”

  Rupert was grinning when Jodi found the balls to turn round, though it seemed strained. “You used to be obsessed, in a healthy way, not like OCD, or anything. You liked things clean and tidy. Everything had its place.”

  “What happened?”

  Rupert stared at Jodi like he’d grown horns. “What do you think? The accident happened and no one was ever here. Then you—we came home and nothing fucking changed.”

  Jodi didn’t miss Rupert’s slip, and anger surged in his veins. It’s not my fault I got my head caved in. But the emotion was short-lived. Rupert had rarely snapped at him since he came home from hospital, leading Jodi to believe he hadn’t much before either, which meant that Rupert was the kind of bloke who only spoke harshly when he was upset.

  “I’m sorry,” Jodi said. “I know it’s hard to believe, but I didn’t notice the mess until today, or I would’ve done it sooner.”

  “It’s okay, mate.”

  “No, no, it’s not. I don’t work, or have a kid; I’ve got nothing to do but sit around this shithole, so it shouldn’t be a shithole.”

  “Well, it’s not now, is it?”

  Jodi grumbled. “That’s not the point. I can’t believe it’s been like this for so long. I swear, I looked around today, and it was like a lightbulb came on. I couldn’t stop until everything was done.”

  He left out the hours he’d spent staring at the dusty floor, trying to match the churning emotions in his gut with the fragmented memories his delinquent brain had kept throwing up when he least expected t
hem. Something told him that would fast quench the bare hint of a genuine smile that was dancing on Rupert’s face.

  “You know, that’s Jodi of old,” Rupert said. “Drove me up the wall, rearranging your DVDs at three in the morning ’cause you couldn’t sleep knowing they weren’t in alphabetical order, and that was without the obsessive cleaning.”

  “Obsessive?”

  “Okay, I’m exaggerating. I guess I could’ve kept on top of it a little better all this time, but I think, maybe, I might have been waiting for you to do it, or want to do it, like I thought you doing the bloody dusting would fix everything else. Stupid, eh?”

  “Nothing about this is stupid. I feel like I’ve wiped cobwebs from my eyes. It’s been a hell of a day.”

  Rupert hummed his agreement. “Sure has. Listen, I need to get Indie to bed soon, but she’s dying to come and watch those videos with you. Would you mind keeping her busy for a bit? I’m not going anywhere, but I’ve got some calls to make.”

  “Of course. Send her in. Do you want—”

  “Boyo, please. I don’t need or want anything more than I’ve got already.”

  For the second time that day, Rupert left Jodi hanging, turning on his heel and fleeing the room before Jodi could blink.

  Indie appeared a few moments later, dressed in pink pyjamas and clutching the wolf Jodi had retrieved from the kitchen for her the night before. “Can we watch Bucky now?”

  Lacking any brighter ideas, Jodi picked up the TV remote and flicked on the VHS Indie had put on earlier in the day. The lime-green space rabbit filled the screen. Indie smiled, and Jodi found himself under her spell. She sprang onto his bed and burrowed under the covers, holding the duvet up for him to do the same. Powerless to refuse, Jodi obeyed and crawled into bed.

  Indie cuddled into his side and put her head on his chest. “It’s nicer in here than earlier. Did you put the fairy dust down?”