Only Love Read online

  Max found a faint smile from the dark depths of his mind and plastered it on his face. “Is he okay?”

  “The doctor seems to think so. He said people can react differently to some types of sedation. Sometimes it has the opposite effect?”

  Max looked to Carla for guidance. She nodded. “It’s called a paradoxical reaction. The sort of thing I’d expect more from you than from Jed.”

  Max shot her a halfhearted glare. “Very funny. What happened? Did they have to use a different drug or something?”

  “Yes.” Hector moved to Carla and pulled her close. “He was fine after that, mostly, at least. I think it is very difficult for a man like Jed to let others have such… power over him. He has always been that way. Ask Anna about when he had mono as a teenager. We had to all but lock him in Dan’s room before he would let her take care of him.”

  Carla laughed, but for Max, the harmless tale from the past cut too close to the truth. He handed Carla Flo’s leash and left the room without another word.

  He slipped into Jed’s room, half expecting to find Anna cleaning the windows or something equally ridiculous, but Jed was alone. The door closed behind Max with a quiet click. He waited a moment, mindful of waking Jed, but there was no response.

  Max crossed the room and leaned over the bedrail. Jed lay on his good side, curled at a slightly odd angle, and even in sleep he looked utterly wiped out. Max traced the shadows under his eyes, noting the tiny cut on his bottom lip. Had that been there before? He couldn’t be sure.

  He appraised the rest of Jed and found he looked pretty much the same. The IVs remained, though one seemed to have moved from the crease of his arm to the back of his hand. Only the oxygen tubes were missing. A closer scout of the room found them on the floor. Max considered retrieving them, but decided against it. Jed must have dispensed with them himself, and he wasn’t about to argue with that.

  The door opened. A nurse appeared with a covered plastic tray. She flashed Max a quick wink and left it on the bedside table. He frowned at the tray for a moment before he remembered.

  That’s right. Jed can eat now.

  Curiosity got the better of him. He rounded the foot of the bed and lifted the lid from the tray.

  He shouldn’t have bothered. The pitiful, rubberized excuse for food was even worse than he remembered it. Rage swept through him. Mac and cheese from a box, and a pot of lurid, red Jell-O. How was Jed supposed to get better eating that… how the hell was anyone supposed to get better eating crap like….

  Screw it.

  In one fluid movement, Max scooped the tray up and dumped it in the nearby trash can. He’d bring Jed every scrap of food he needed from home. Jed wasn’t eating that shit. No fucking way.

  “Max?”

  Max spun at the sound of Jed’s tired voice calling for him. “Hey, you. How are you feeling?”

  Jed ignored the question and beckoned Max closer until he could cup his chin and peer into his face. “Why are you angry?”

  “I’m not angry.”

  “Nice try. What did that tray do to you?”

  Max fiddled with the thin blankets on the bed. “Nothing. I was more worried about what it was going to do to you. I think I might have thrown your lunch in the bin.”

  “The bin? You mean the trash can?”

  Jed let go of Max’s face and fell back on the pillow. His eyes drooped. Max squeezed his hand. “Whatever it’s called, it’s staying there. You’re not eating that crap.”

  “No. I don’t want eat… hungry, fuck.”

  Max rolled his eyes. Jed was definitely off his face if he was tripping over his words. “I’m going to go home in a bit and get you some real food. Is there anything else you need?”

  Jed sat up again and flickered a tired gaze around the room. “Someone stole my clothes.”

  “Anna, probably. She’s around here somewhere. I can get you some more. Anything else?”

  “My laptop?”

  Max sighed. “Work? Really?”

  “What do you want me to do? Lie here and rot for a week?”

  “No. I want you to lie here and get better so you can come home.”

  The statement seemed to mollify Jed. He closed his eyes and muttered something in a language Max didn’t understand.

  He wondered if Jed was worried about paying the bills. He’d taken over the cabin finances, saving Max the trouble of remembering to pay them on time. Was anything due? Shamefully, Max had no idea. Despite his initial resistance, it hadn’t taken long for him to forget about the bills entirely.

  Jed let out a soft sigh. Max squeezed his hand again, but got no response. Defeated, Max let go and left him alone to rest.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  JED TOOK a tiny, tentative sip of hot rooibos tea. He swallowed with even more caution. The warmth was soothing against his dry, sore throat, but his diaphragm tensed, waiting to see if his stomach would reject the intrusion.

  It didn’t, and he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He felt like a bulimic teenager—terrified to put anything in his mouth. He’d even waited until Max was out of the room to dare try.

  He took another small sip and set the plastic mug down. The flickering TV caught his attention. Max had switched it on earlier, bored, no doubt, with watching Jed sleep away most of the day. Jed shut it off and set the remote aside. Another glance around revealed Max’s favorite hoodie folded up on the bedside table. He slipped it on, wrestling a moment with the cacophony of tubes attached to his body. The woodsmoke-scented cotton was worn and soft. American hospitals were overheated and stuffy, but as ever, Jed felt cold to the bone, especially without Max’s smile warming the room.

  Max. Jed closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Max was the only thing keeping him sane, but underneath his light touch and gentle smile, Jed could see how unsettled he felt cooped up in the hospital. Jed understood. He felt the same. On the outside he was so tired he could barely raise his head, but on the inside….

  On the inside he was screaming.

  The door opened. Jed jerked his head a little too fast. He absorbed the accompanying wave of dizziness, expecting to see Max, but no one came in. Instead, the door handle seemed to catch and jump back up.

  A scrabbling noise came next. Jed frowned and sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. The door wasn’t much farther than the bathroom. He figured he might make it, but was saved the trouble of falling on his ass by the appearance of Flo and a wide-eyed Belle.

  “Hey, bug. Where’s your mom?” Jed pulled the oxygen tubes from his face and tossed them aside, thankful Dan had brought him some sweatpants. “And where’s that pesky sister of yours?”

  Belle hesitated a moment and glanced behind her. “Tess is at home with Mrs. Dagastino. Mom’s talking to a nurse. I thought Max was in here. The nurse asked Mom if you were together, and she said you were.”

  Irritation washed over Jed. He was pretty sure he knew which conversation Belle had overheard, though he had no idea how Kim was so sure of her answer.

  Flo grumbled. Jed blinked, realizing he’d left Belle standing in the doorway, and held out his hand. “You want to keep me company until your mom comes looking for you?”

  He lowered the bed and Belle hopped up to sit beside him. Jed eyed the small pink satchel slung across her tiny frame. “What’ve you got in the bag? Anything good?”

  Belle’s face brightened. “Ooh, yeah. I forgot. I brought your morning mug from the cabin. I got it while Mom was chasing the chickens.”

  The image of Kim chasing Max’s scruffy chickens in her designer shoes made Jed smile. “I have a morning mug?”

  “Sure you do,” Belle said, earnest and solemn. “Uncle Max said you use the blue one in the morning and the brown one at night. The brown one was broken, so I brought the blue one.”

  Jed took the chipped blue mug from her with a rueful smile. He hadn’t noticed himself falling into such a clear-cut routine, but he could believe it. Army life was all about str
ucture and order, until you went to war and there was none. In times like those, comfort was often found in the smallest of things.

  He picked up the forgotten plastic cup of cooling tea. “You got here just in time. Stay still.”

  The tea sloshed messily into the blue mug. Jed mopped up the spilled drops with a napkin, balled it up, and threw it into the trash can on the other side of the room. Belle giggled at his perfect aim, but the concentration threw him.

  He gripped the bed to steady himself. Belle peered at him, anxious in a way that made her young face too old. “Are you still sick? You look all funny.”

  “I’m fine, bug. Where did you say Uncle Max was?”

  “I’m right here.” Max appeared in front of him and lifted Belle from the bed. “Belle, your mum’s looking for you. Let’s go find her before she gets mad, eh? Can you take Flo back to Uncle Dan for me? He’s going to take her to visit the kid’s ward.”

  “Can I go with him?”

  “If your mum says it’s okay and Dan doesn’t mind. Go on, now. Say good-bye to Uncle Jed.”

  Jed enveloped Belle’s tiny frame in his arms and squeezed gently. She was often aloof with him, and hugging her was a rare privilege. “Tell Tess I’ll be home soon, okay?”

  “Will you be home before Daddy?”

  “Probably.” Jed swallowed the lump in his throat. “Look after your mom for me.”

  He felt a little odd when he was alone again. He blamed the lingering sedation from the endoscopy, a procedure he had little to no memory of, save a strange dream about Hector Valesco living it up in the sixties.

  “All right?”

  Jed jumped. He hadn’t noticed Max returning to his side. “What?”

  Max rubbed Jed’s shoulder. “Sorry. I saw her sneak in, but I let her be for a minute. She was a little freaked when Kim told her you were sick. I think she was worried she’d never see you again.”

  Jed kneaded a tender spot in the back of his neck. “S’okay. It was nice to see her. I miss the kids.”

  Max set a paper bag down on the plastic seat and nudged his hand aside. “Here, let me.”

  He manipulated Jed with the rough pads of his nimble fingers until Jed felt so boneless it was all he could do to stay upright. “Man, you’re good at that.”

  “You should let me do it more often then,” Max said shortly. He trailed his fingers over the back of Jed’s neck one more time, then stepped away. “Do you want to lie down?”

  “Nope.”

  Max handed him the chipped blue mug. “Then drink up.”

  Jed took a small sip, then, under the pressure of Max’s relentless, silent insistence, took another, bigger mouthful. “Happy?”

  “You’ll do. I brought you some food, but the nurse said I can put it in the fridge if you don’t want it today.”

  “Maybe later?”

  Max didn’t answer. He took the half-empty mug from Jed and set it slowly and deliberately aside, as though he couldn’t quite remember what he was trying to do.

  Jed regarded him for a moment, taking in his darting eyes. He took Max’s hands and waited, and sure enough, he slipped into an absence seizure. It was brief, mere seconds, if that, but it was enough for Jed to know Max needed to wind down.

  “Come up here.”

  Max looked down at their joined hands. “Huh?”

  Jed patted the bed. “Bring your food and come up here. Can’t promise I’ll keep it down, but I can try.”

  It took a moment for Max to register Jed’s sudden change of heart. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously, but Jed persevered until Max relented and jumped up to sit cross-legged at the foot of the bed.

  Jed scooted back, and, following Max’s silent direction, he put the foot of his bad leg in Max’s lap. He squinted at the small foil-covered bowl Max held. “What did you bring me?”

  “Yam stew. You don’t have to eat it, though. I just figured it was better than….”

  “Hand it over.”

  Max complied, but his skepticism was clear, and not entirely unfounded. Jed unwrapped the bowl and poked its contents with the fork Max helpfully supplied.

  “If this is gonna work, you need to distract me. Talk to me about something else.”

  “I’m sorry for what I said about Paul.”

  Okay. It wasn’t quite what Jed had in mind, but he supposed now was as good a time as any. There was so much they needed to talk about, but this was something he’d found himself thinking about, even in moments when he couldn’t breathe through the crippling pain in his belly.

  “Don’t be sorry. You were right. I do… I did love him, probably more than I should have, but it’s not the same as how I feel about you. I thought it was, but it’s not.”

  Silence. Max opened his mouth and shut it again, before he seemed to gather himself. “How do you do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “Say nothing at all for months on end, then kill me dead in three sentences?”

  Jed shrugged. “It’s a gift. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry I flipped my shit at you. I should’ve given you a chance to explain.”

  “I wouldn’t have, though, would I? I would’ve walked away. I’ve done it before.”

  “With your ex?”

  Max leaned over and pushed Jed’s fork-holding hand toward the untouched bowl of food. “Yeah, I guess. He was a good guy, but there was too much stacked between us, you know? The seizures, all the shit I couldn’t tell him. Even the city was too much for me. We were screwed from the beginning.” Max paused a moment. “What about you? Any crazy exes lurking about?”

  “No exes at all.” Jed took a tiny mouthful of food, chewed, and swallowed before he could think about it too hard. “I’ve never had time to make that commitment, but I don’t think that’s because I’m gay. It’s not something I ever wanted.”

  Max absently rubbed circles into the ball of Jed’s foot. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “Did your mum know you were gay?”

  Jed swallowed a second, more adventurous bite of food. “No. She died when I was a kid. Even I didn’t know I was gay. I was dating little Molly Sue from across the street.”

  “You had a girlfriend?” Max tried and failed to hide his amusement. “How old were you?”

  “Nine, I think, maybe eight. I can’t really remember, but my mom had no idea.”

  “Do you think she would’ve minded?”

  Jed had a pretty good idea where this was headed, and it was something that had played on his mind even before he knew the truth about Max’s parents. He’d seen with his own eyes what happened to openly gay men in Africa… young men mutilated and burned alive. “I don’t know how she would’ve felt about it. I wasn’t old enough to know where she stood on shit like that.” He paused and waited for the protest in his belly to settle down. “What about yours?”

  “No, God, no. I think my dad had an idea, but my mum… fuck, no way. She was a progressive thinker, and I know she loved me, but it would’ve devastated her.”

  “That can’t have been easy. Being a gay teenager is hard enough.”

  “Tell me about it.” Max shifted on the bed. Jed felt his warmth seep into his legs and up his body. “I hated it. I remember being at school and watching my mates with their girlfriends, and not understanding why I didn’t want that too. I guess I figured it went hand in hand with being a freak.”

  “You don’t think like that now, do you?”

  Max shook his head, his eyes fixed firmly on Jed’s foot. “No. Coming here changed me in more ways than I can ever explain. It was hard, really hard, but it gave me a way to start over, you know? I’m happy being gay now. I would never wish it away.”

  “Me too.” Jed chewed slowly. The bowl was far from empty, but he knew he was done. “I was never ashamed, but I did spend a long time trying to ignore it. Sometimes, I guess I still do. Until I met you, it was easier that way.”

  He set the bowl aside. Max looked as though he might protest, but
he said nothing. Jed took a moment to compose himself. He felt sick, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle. He glanced around. His gaze fell on his laptop. “How did that get here?”

  Max followed his stare. “You asked me to bring it for you.”

  “Huh?”

  “You said you wanted it.”

  “When did I say that?”

  Max checked his watch. “About five hours ago. What’s in that bloody IV? Rohypnol?”

  It may as well have been for all Jed could remember. Most of the day was a blur. Max squeezed his foot. The sensation was unfamiliar but intimate, and gave him the courage to ask a loaded question of his own. “Do you remember the day your parents were killed?”

  Max stilled his devilish fingers, his face drawn into an expression Jed had never seen before. He thought perhaps he wouldn’t answer, then Max let out a long breath, like he was lifting a weight from his shoulders. “Not really. I used to get flickers from time to time—sounds more than anything else—but not anymore. Now it feels like it happened to someone else.”

  Max was lying, by omission, if nothing else, but this time, Jed let it go. Every man was entitled to his own nightmares.

  “The worst part was not being able to go to their funerals. I was in intensive care, and everyone thought I was dead.”

  Jed stretched out the kinks in his spine. “That sucks.”

  “I know. I was awake, though. I got to choose the song for my dad. Kim told me they played it.” Max exhaled a shaky breath. “I cut my hair a week later. A nurse had put a radio in my room, and the song came on as I was shaving my head. It made me worry that he wouldn’t recognize me if we met in another life.”

  A nurse came in. Max ducked his head. The nurse fiddled with Jed’s IVs and touched his arm. “Do you need anything? You look a little pale, honey.”

  “I’m fine, thanks.”

  She left. Jed pulled Max’s hands away from his face. “What song did you choose?”

  “Hmm? Oh, a Cat Stevens one.”

  “Which one?”

  “‘Trouble.’ It was my dad’s favorite.”